“Gratitude turns what we have into enough.” – Melody Beattie
Was I pregnant?
20 October 2014 was the day we would find out if I was pregnant.
In my mind – and probably Bren’s too – I was already pregnant. There was no doubt in my mind that it was God’s will and desire for us to have children, and His Word will always be fulfilled.
So I went for the blood test in the morning and was told to wait for the call which would most likely happen sometime in the afternoon.
Just like the day of results for the fertilization process, I played worship songs and tried not to think about the results. We even managed to watch a few episodes of my favorite Gilmore Girls (aff.)!
I love that show so much, and it always puts me in a super-cheery mood. 🙂
When the call finally came, I remembered jumping off the sofa and going into the bedroom so I could hear the words well.
And so those words came, “The test results show that you are not pregnant.“
In my mind, there was a very real confusion going on.
What do you mean I am not pregnant? After everything that we went through, all the confirmation and affirmation from God, and all for nothing? But God says He will make me fruitful and increase in numbers! What He says, He will do! What do you mean I am not pregnant??
Bren was right beside me, trying to read my facial expressions, and I could tell he was shocked too.
She went on telling me about what to do next, and some bodily changes to observe, but I honestly was not in the right frame of mind to listen, nor did I have any capacity to do so. I was completely shocked and devastated. It seemed so unreal.
I could only cry. Holding my pillows close, I just burst into tears.
Bren cried too.
The most painful day
We hugged each other and cried so much, it was truly a horribly heartbreaking day.
I wondered what happened to that cute little embryo.
What was God putting us through?
I wondered if we would ever have children.
It was the most painful day I’d ever experienced, and I still remember it clearly even today.
We prayed, and I just wallowed in bed the rest of the day. I knew I had to inform my bosses and colleagues on the IVF results, so I slowly texted a few, and they helped to spread the word.
I’ll never forget the kindness of my boss, who immediately made arrangements so I could take a few days to rest and work from home instead. This act was the sweet grace that I desperately needed, and her love filled my thirst from that very dry and bitter day.
From then on, it was a FIGHT every day to be able to give thanks.
Finding things to be grateful for became something that was not just a good thing to do, it became literally my lifeline to surviving the pain of it all.
It was never easy, but little thanksgiving with another little thanksgiving…I took back more joy than I ever thought possible.
I realized that God is still good – even when we do not understand His plans.