At one point in time, after getting our hopes dashed month after month, this conceiving journey became a very real source of stress. The fact that I wasn’t pregnant was really eating into me, and I was feeling so tired and demoralized.
1 Thessalonians 5:18
In everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.
The stress of infertility
Friends around us would happily share news of their successful pregnancies, and after a while, it became a joke. I would ask God, Why? Why are those who got married after us getting pregnant so easily, and when will it ever happen to us? Will it ever?
Our work schedules also became much more intense as we were both promoted around the same time, which meant more responsibilities and commitment to our jobs. While I enjoyed my work, I still felt something missing. A yearning for a little family of our own, and a more balanced life with joy and purpose.
It was crazy trying to juggle the demands of work, while also trying to be chill about not being able to conceive yet. Some days, I felt like I was just pretending.
Pretending not to care.
Pretending that it didn’t matter.
Pretending that I wasn’t hurt and disappointed.
What made it worse was the tension that it created in our marriage – on mismatch expectations, and not being able to have the space and time to clearly communicate with each other.
One of the most stressful periods I recall was when Bren had to work overnight, or late nights very often, and the only time I saw him was just before I slept. He would quietly creep onto the bed beside me, whisper a prayer, give me a kiss, and that was the end of our night. I would tell my friends that it felt like I didn’t have a husband because he was hardly around.
But, almost immediately, I would feel bad about such thoughts, since I knew he was simply focusing on his current responsibility. He had always been a good worker with excellent work ethics.
I just wished he was with me more…..*wistful*
This went on for quite a few months, and I had a few breakdowns of my own at work. It was definitely not an easy time of life, and I was finding it tough coping with various stressors.
God is faithful
What helped me was taking moments to dwell on God’s Word. I would journal, and intentionally gave thanks for something that happened that day. This made me refocus again. My heart was then strengthened and encouraged for I started recognizing tiny blessings from the grace of God, and this act of thanksgiving became a refrain of my day – again, and again, and again.
This simple act of thanksgiving healed a part of me that I did not even realize was hurting so bad…